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Well it has been some time since I last updated this blog. Mostly due to a lot of work. I’ve been slaving away to organise this web show – of which we finally got our first shoot done! Yay! Only 15 odd more shoots to go, I estimate.

I would love to be wrong, but it’s hard to know. One of the problems with volunteer shoots is that people rarely make volunteer work their priority. You’re not being paid, so it’s hard to commit time when other things arise.

Which means I have to be organised well ahead of time to ensure that I can get all the cast together. I’d love to be able to find funding – but between writing scripts, arranging shoots, discussing lighting, ensuring that art is being designed and working my own job, it can get pretty difficult to find the time to look for funding.

I had searched out a number of likely leads – but because our show is not technically a film, and because it isn’t innately “New Zealand” in content other than being shot in Wellington… well none of the grants I could find would apply. Meaning… no money up front.

The other option is to approach retailers and companies – but I have nothing to show them yet. It’s in my plan to have press packages made once the first episode has been edited and produced. Then we’d send these to all the major newspapers and television stations – solicited of course, and I have a couple of contacts in the industry that might be able to help me figure out how to get that info – and use that package as a way of approaching businesses to offer them advertising on the site.

Which means I need someone who knows how to figure out pricing for advertising…

Oh, the many things to think about.

Anyhoop – the actual shoot itself went very well. We finished ahead of schedule and even managed to shoot an extra scene! The footage is great and we’re hoping it all comes together nicely. I’m really proud of the cast and crew – they have made me believe that this show really is going to get completed. Yay us!

In other news, I managed to track down two friends from the past thanks to the power of facebook. One is a guy who was my best friend in secondary school. We had a rather vocal and nasty falling out. I’ve sent him a message apologising for my foolishness in those years and offering to get back in touch. I fear he still is a bit… anti. Even though it has been near to sixteen years since we last spoke!

The other friend, I kind of forget what happened. I think I just drifted away.

This is a common theme in my life – a have a lot of friends who I just lost contact with.

Margie brought home some videos of her family, which she is planning to edit, and it made me realise how little record there is of my past. But it also reminded me of how different my childhood was from others.

In many ways, I spent a lot of my childhood waiting for something to happen. I rarely took action, and I was often talked out of any of my plans. I wanted to write, Mum’s support was tantamount to “you can do that when you’re older, you should be thinking about a real career.”

I was told to take up sports, when I showed an interest in fencing- “we can’t afford the gear, you will have to find something else.” The same went for my other extracirricular activities – except I managed to do Film Club, which was a lot of fun.

Of course I’m also to blame. I would often give up on things. I’d lose heart, or not really know what I was doing – and I wouldn’t ask for help. I think I just stopped feeling that anyone would come to help me. I don’t know for sure. It was something that I was having trouble with – committing to things.

With all the unrest and confusion of being a teenager, along with the confusion of my sexuality in an era where there was very little support and a mother who outright said one day ‘I can handle you wearing a dress in a play, as long as you don’t turn gay’ I guess I was feeling very isolated.

Not to mention my best friend was telling me it was unnatural – just when I was developing a confused crush on him. *sigh*

Oddly this all ties back. I don’t so much regret my past – it’s done, not much you can do to change it. But I sometimes wish I could do it again with the knowledge I have now – see if I could change myself more than the world around me.

But it also ties in with now. Here I am taking on a MAJOR project and I’m feeling a little alone again. See, I have people offering to help, but I’m not very good at pushing for things or getting them to follow up on things to make it easier on me. Which means when I can’t lock in dates or get people together in one go – it gets me overwhelmed. On top of that, this current script is a bitch to slog through because I have had to dramatically rewrite the entire thing.

I actually want to not be working at TCL, and just be at home writing. I want to be writing full time, because then I can get through this and it is what makes me happy.

I want to have the funding so that I can afford to leave my job and do this full time – lead into a professional career.

But I also fear that I’m not really that good. That I’m riding on a fantasy. Where does that leave me? Never happy in any other job, and just wanting to go to sleep.

I wonder how many people find themselves in that position? Sometimes I just don’t feel like I think like anyone else around me – and that there is some “thing” I don’t get.

That isolation again.

I wonder how I would have turned out if I had been born ten years later than I was. Would I have been a better person? More confident in my abilities?

Would I have been as caring as I am?

When I was in my teens, I was waiting for something. It never happened. When I took action, my life fell apart. I left home in less than favourable circumstances, I lost my best friend and I lived in a roach infested apartment for about a year, where nothing happened.

I’m now thirty-four, the oldest friend I have is from about 1995 – and I’m not sure we are what I would term as best friends. Right now, I am feeling a little isolated again. Sure I have a lot of friends – but none that I feel are as close as to be what I would term “best friend.”

I don’t really have a friend who comes around every week and who I keep constant contact with about my life and his/her life.

I’m now thirty-four and I’m thinking about how I’m unlikely to ever have a family of my own. Unlikely to find anyone to be in a partnership with… and at this point I worry I will be very much alone when I’m old and in some retirement home.

It’s tough to keep your chin up when in this state. I don’t want to go back to work on Monday. I want to make this show I’m developing really work. I fear I have placed so much of my future happiness on its success. And I fear that my feelings of isolation will drive me to sabotage it if I don’t keep an eye out.

Maybe the reason I’m trying to reconnect with my old best friend is out of some naive hope that I can really bury that part of my past. Because the feelings linger still. I need to just lay it to rest.

I need to also find a way out of this cocoon I’m building for myself too. I need to stop making myself isolated.

Sorry for being so downer here – it’s what has been on my mind recently. It will pass, I’m sure.

All the best for the holidays…

Conan

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