You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘Musings’ category.

Not too long ago I started dating a guy I met through a rather popular NZ online dating service. We went on about six dates, talked a lot and ultimately I realised that while we were getting on as friends, I had no emotional connection to him.

Cue the awkward discussions and decision to not waste each other’s time any further – it wasn’t a nasty split, but I certainly be awkward talking to him again.

After having taken a bit of time to sort out flats and settle down in the new place, I have been somewhat missing having someone to go out with and talk with. This is compounded by living with a couple who are living together for the first time and have their own cutesy couplespeak – you know the kind where they start talking like three years olds to each other and have new words with far too many “oo” sounds in them.

Yeah it’s adorable, but it is also torture for a single guy to be in the middle of. So I logged back in and started looking at profiles. I had kind of forgotten how bad modem dating is for gay men.

Our subculture has had quite the history of shallow dating practices – the old toilet block cruising, handkerchief signals etc. The gay community has a history of sex first, relationships second. The thing about cruising for sex is that you make a much more conscious focus on physicality over personality. When you’re shagging, who gives a crap about if the other guy like cars or crochet. If he’s hot and good at sex, that’s all that really matters.

Conversely, Internet dating sites have this notion that most people are looking for dates not just sex. And yet the same type of measuring is being applied. The sites even admit “with a photo you will get more than double the responses” with the unstated implication that this will happen as long as you are hot.

I have noted that most gay guys shy away from saying they are looking for a relationship. It’s all about keeping your options open and most times cruising for sex.

People will dismiss someone for things like the age on your profile, whether you reveal too much or too little and whether you don’t quite look like their ideal in a photo.

It occurs to me that unlike real life where we are forced to get to know a person simply by seeing them respond to our comments, online dating becomes more like an iTunes for sex and intimacy.

People seem to browse through the titles, make snap decisions and generally remove the humanity from the experience. Many profiles contain absolutely no information about the person, but demands that you “show an interest in the same things as me.”

Others want genuine guys, but without qualifying what that even means. Apparently it is just the expected thing to say to prove you’re not a douchebag.

Once you have navigated this nightmare of profiles, a guy may then reveal that he’s bigoted, believes in UFOs running the government or that he’s only really interested in guys younger than him. Apparently nobody wants to date people in their age group – everybody wants to be dating a 20 year old. Who is smooth, hot, successful, intelligent (but only in a Hollywood movie way), witty (but only in a repeat south park/Simpsons jokes way) and good in bed.

Navigate through all that and you might just find a person who is willing to chat. Some of these people are even open enough to actually chat back rather than expect you to provide all the conversation.

Then the moment you say “we should meet.” BAM! They disappear and refuse to talk again.

Ultimately the dehumanising element of this process makes everyone involved too nervous and shy to open up. There are probably hundreds of nice guys logging in, but they are so intimidated, and so disillusioned, they don’t realise that the only way to really find out if a person is the right one for them is to break out of their comfort zone, and let that person know something about them.

For myself, there really aren’t any other channels for me at the moment, so I continue to struggle through. I know what I’m looking for – someone who can keep up with me. Age isn’t an issue so much for me, sure he needs to be cute – but I have a pretty broad set of notions regarding what “cute” is. Unfortunately I’m yet to find a guy who can keep up.

Here’s hoping there is such a guy here in Wellington and that I meet him soon. 🙂

Conan

Advertisements

Today I am taking annual leave as I have a specialist’s appointment tomorrow in relation to the strange pain I got a month or two ago.

Last night Nick and I watched The Grudge 2 – Japanese version – and spent a good part of the evening scaring ourselves silly. The director of The Grudge really knows how to wind his audience up.

I do feel that the best horror builds on your fears by faking you out. The Grudge franchise is all about the fake out. It is a sign on the director’s skill that even knowing what’s coming doesn’t protect you from being freaked out by creepy reflections and cruel misdirection.

In other news, just as I was planning to shelve Setting it Straight, another actor contacted me regarding the show. I’m still fleshing out the changes – but it looks to me that everything will still be go.

I’ve been having a bit of an inner struggle recently regarding dating. Some of you may be aware that my last date was nearly a year ago. I seem to suffer from perpetual fussiness and a but of low self-esteem lately.

Not super depressed, just not feeling that I’d be that attractive to the kind of guys I’m attracted to. Le sigh.

Last night kind of brought these feelings up again, because as much as I do love Nick’s company, sometimes you need more than a mate to shoot the shit with. Would have been nice to have someone to snuggle up with while watching a great horror movie. 🙂

I think part of SiS is my way of showing what it’s like to be gay and single in your early to mid thirties. Lots of guys my age either want younger bfs or want to just settle for whatever they can get.

Love seems to be not based on the person, but the exterior or physical need.

Maybe I am over thinking it all. Wouldn’t be the first time. 🙂

I have to admit, walking in from home everyday is helping. I feel fitter, and I am losing weight, which is good. Not quite ready to return to the gym, but making baby steps to get there. 🙂

Anyway, I’m in town now- catch you all later.

Conan

This is my first mobile blog post ever! I am writing this in KFC on my iPhone while I wait for the weather to clear up enough to walk to my Sunday game.

I recently got into a discussion about my latest project – Setting it Straight- and I had ended up getting into a discussion about genre.

You see, for the last 25 years or so I have been fairly genre bound in my writing. I have always written fantasy, scifi or horror. Never broke out of those genres.

But SIS is none of these. It’s a comedy-drama firmly rooted in the real world. The surprise to myself while working on it has been that it feels like some of the best work I’ve done to date.

While the show is far from being fully written, I have found the tone and style so quickly and I love the dialogue. The work I’ve written so far feels so natural and I have enjoyed writing it.

It has made me realise that one of the best things a writer can do is challenge his/her habits and break out of that comfort zone so many writers fall into.

While I can be occasionally witty when talking to people, I have always been uncertain that I could write a consistently funny comedy. Yet here I am looking at breaking out of genre and style, and I feel that it is better than a lot of stuff I have written before.

Next weekend I’ll be running auditions for the show – being freed of visual effects means I can get the show filming much sooner than it took the Winding City. Here’s hoping that the casting goes well.

Of course I have a lot of the talent from the Winding City showing up, so I shouldn’t have anything to fear.

Conan

Well it has been some time since I last updated this blog. Mostly due to a lot of work. I’ve been slaving away to organise this web show – of which we finally got our first shoot done! Yay! Only 15 odd more shoots to go, I estimate.

I would love to be wrong, but it’s hard to know. One of the problems with volunteer shoots is that people rarely make volunteer work their priority. You’re not being paid, so it’s hard to commit time when other things arise.

Which means I have to be organised well ahead of time to ensure that I can get all the cast together. I’d love to be able to find funding – but between writing scripts, arranging shoots, discussing lighting, ensuring that art is being designed and working my own job, it can get pretty difficult to find the time to look for funding.

I had searched out a number of likely leads – but because our show is not technically a film, and because it isn’t innately “New Zealand” in content other than being shot in Wellington… well none of the grants I could find would apply. Meaning… no money up front.

The other option is to approach retailers and companies – but I have nothing to show them yet. It’s in my plan to have press packages made once the first episode has been edited and produced. Then we’d send these to all the major newspapers and television stations – solicited of course, and I have a couple of contacts in the industry that might be able to help me figure out how to get that info – and use that package as a way of approaching businesses to offer them advertising on the site.

Which means I need someone who knows how to figure out pricing for advertising…

Oh, the many things to think about.

Anyhoop – the actual shoot itself went very well. We finished ahead of schedule and even managed to shoot an extra scene! The footage is great and we’re hoping it all comes together nicely. I’m really proud of the cast and crew – they have made me believe that this show really is going to get completed. Yay us!

In other news, I managed to track down two friends from the past thanks to the power of facebook. One is a guy who was my best friend in secondary school. We had a rather vocal and nasty falling out. I’ve sent him a message apologising for my foolishness in those years and offering to get back in touch. I fear he still is a bit… anti. Even though it has been near to sixteen years since we last spoke!

The other friend, I kind of forget what happened. I think I just drifted away.

This is a common theme in my life – a have a lot of friends who I just lost contact with.

Margie brought home some videos of her family, which she is planning to edit, and it made me realise how little record there is of my past. But it also reminded me of how different my childhood was from others.

In many ways, I spent a lot of my childhood waiting for something to happen. I rarely took action, and I was often talked out of any of my plans. I wanted to write, Mum’s support was tantamount to “you can do that when you’re older, you should be thinking about a real career.”

I was told to take up sports, when I showed an interest in fencing- “we can’t afford the gear, you will have to find something else.” The same went for my other extracirricular activities – except I managed to do Film Club, which was a lot of fun.

Of course I’m also to blame. I would often give up on things. I’d lose heart, or not really know what I was doing – and I wouldn’t ask for help. I think I just stopped feeling that anyone would come to help me. I don’t know for sure. It was something that I was having trouble with – committing to things.

With all the unrest and confusion of being a teenager, along with the confusion of my sexuality in an era where there was very little support and a mother who outright said one day ‘I can handle you wearing a dress in a play, as long as you don’t turn gay’ I guess I was feeling very isolated.

Not to mention my best friend was telling me it was unnatural – just when I was developing a confused crush on him. *sigh*

Oddly this all ties back. I don’t so much regret my past – it’s done, not much you can do to change it. But I sometimes wish I could do it again with the knowledge I have now – see if I could change myself more than the world around me.

But it also ties in with now. Here I am taking on a MAJOR project and I’m feeling a little alone again. See, I have people offering to help, but I’m not very good at pushing for things or getting them to follow up on things to make it easier on me. Which means when I can’t lock in dates or get people together in one go – it gets me overwhelmed. On top of that, this current script is a bitch to slog through because I have had to dramatically rewrite the entire thing.

I actually want to not be working at TCL, and just be at home writing. I want to be writing full time, because then I can get through this and it is what makes me happy.

I want to have the funding so that I can afford to leave my job and do this full time – lead into a professional career.

But I also fear that I’m not really that good. That I’m riding on a fantasy. Where does that leave me? Never happy in any other job, and just wanting to go to sleep.

I wonder how many people find themselves in that position? Sometimes I just don’t feel like I think like anyone else around me – and that there is some “thing” I don’t get.

That isolation again.

I wonder how I would have turned out if I had been born ten years later than I was. Would I have been a better person? More confident in my abilities?

Would I have been as caring as I am?

When I was in my teens, I was waiting for something. It never happened. When I took action, my life fell apart. I left home in less than favourable circumstances, I lost my best friend and I lived in a roach infested apartment for about a year, where nothing happened.

I’m now thirty-four, the oldest friend I have is from about 1995 – and I’m not sure we are what I would term as best friends. Right now, I am feeling a little isolated again. Sure I have a lot of friends – but none that I feel are as close as to be what I would term “best friend.”

I don’t really have a friend who comes around every week and who I keep constant contact with about my life and his/her life.

I’m now thirty-four and I’m thinking about how I’m unlikely to ever have a family of my own. Unlikely to find anyone to be in a partnership with… and at this point I worry I will be very much alone when I’m old and in some retirement home.

It’s tough to keep your chin up when in this state. I don’t want to go back to work on Monday. I want to make this show I’m developing really work. I fear I have placed so much of my future happiness on its success. And I fear that my feelings of isolation will drive me to sabotage it if I don’t keep an eye out.

Maybe the reason I’m trying to reconnect with my old best friend is out of some naive hope that I can really bury that part of my past. Because the feelings linger still. I need to just lay it to rest.

I need to also find a way out of this cocoon I’m building for myself too. I need to stop making myself isolated.

Sorry for being so downer here – it’s what has been on my mind recently. It will pass, I’m sure.

All the best for the holidays…

Conan

Henley and I went and saw the much talked about NZ comedy film Eagle Versus Shark last night, finally.

For those not in the know, it is the story about drippy-but-cute Lily and her romantic adventure to find love with Jarrod, the absolutely useless and seemingly irredeemable twat who works in the video store up the mall from her. Initially blinded by love, a trip to see his family becomes a subtle battleground between the two of them for attention.

Ultimately we find what it is that Lily sees in Jarrod, but I have to admit that for the majority of the film I just hated the guy unconditionally. He was the epitome of self-centred, arrogant and deluded. But he does come around in the end… kind of.

So what did I think of the film. Well it suffered from the awkwardness that so many NZ films deliberately aim for. Not so pretentiously as it could have, but what it ended up doing was making the film less appealing than it could have been. Don’t get me wrong, I liked it mostly, and there were funny moments – but good comedy it wasn’t. More often I found the best moments were not carried by the leads but some of the secondary cast – and the awkward tone of the film made the first half almost agonising to sit through. In fact, if it hadn’t introduced Lily’s brother when it did, I was getting tempted to just walk out of the cinema.

This whole aim at making the audience uneasy and uncomfortable was great back in the day when NZ film-making was all self-reflecting and searching for an identity – it worked for such serious films like Sleeping Dogs, Vigil, The Quiet Earth – but NZ comedy has always fallen flat on cinema because of this style of film-making. Via Satellite, Goodbye Porkpie, even Came a Hot Friday (one of my favourites…) – NZ film-makers need to understand that there is more to comedy and, frankly, more to NZ’s identity than this.

Eagle Vs Shark felt, to me, like a great big step backwards for NZ comedy films. Seriously. It just wasn’t as funny as it could have been. But maybe I’m just being a bit harsh – I just felt that with the amount of characterisation given, there could have been a better way to tell its story.

Maybe I feel that it is time for NZ film-makers to grow out more – redefine what it is to make a film in NZ.

I think one of the reasons that comedy suffers in New Zealand lies in how we train our actors. I’ve been watching Freaks and Geeks, by the brilliant Judd Apatow – who knows how to get the most out of performances. Most importantly his films and shows identify that the visual media is not a stage. Stage acting is the anathema of good film.

To act on screen a person needs to either be natural or hyper natural. People need to talk like real people, and not annunciate every word. New Zealand television and film performances are a bit of a mixed bag – with many good actors, and a lot of bad television actors who are better on stage.

There is a fault in the mannersims given – on television you get NZ actors who either do nothing but deliver their lines with minimum facial reaction, or go too over the top and look terribly uncomfortable and self-conscious when they do it. As if to apologise to the viewer.

Not that Eagle Vs Shark suffered too much of this – if anything it was too awkward and understated, and I feel that was a lot to do with the director and the style chosen.

All in all, I just wish I could see an NZ comedy that kept me laughing rather than squirming in my seat during the obligatory “serious bits.”

Maybe I’ve just become a serious Apatow school of comedy guy – where humour is found in the everyday, and where even during the most serious and heart-touching moment we still find something to laugh about. That is good comedy.

Conan
Currently Reading: Sidereals 2e
Currently Playing: Nothing
Mood: Getting ready to write his own scripts…

While I have been watching a lot of Roswell recently, I have been intermittently been watching this likeable little series alongside it.

Dead Like Me is the story of George Lass, a young eighteen year-old virgin whose outlook on life is about as disaffected and cynical as it can possibly get. Her mother is a negative control freak, her father is having an affair, and her little sister, Reggie, is a little strange.

Then, as if to show that the universe has a sense of humour, George is killed rather spectacularly by a toilet seat that falls from the Russian Mir Spacestation. That’s when things get really weird.

George discovers that she has been chosen to become a Reaper, a collector of souls – to help the dead pass on to the next plane of existence. Once she has reaped an unstated number of souls, she will then be able to pass on herself.

But she isn’t a ghost, that wouldn’t be interesting television after all – no, she has a living body (of sorts) and is undead. She has an illusionary alter-ego that people see instead of her true face.

Dead Like Me is pure gold. It is a slick production, simply presented and beautifully acted. It has a morbidly funny sense of humour and is really a show about life as seen from the place of someone who is dead. It never preaches, but makes some profound observations about life and the universe. All the while delivered in a beautifully dead-pan humour. From the collapse of George’s family to the eventual growth of George as a Reaper – this show is just brilliant.

Very rarely does a show manage to make me laugh out loud when watching it on my own – but Dead Like Me manages to do so every episode!

So do yourself a favour – check it out! Best yet, the series is self-contained. There is a second season, and I”m keen to see it, but the first season manages to close while leaving things open for potentially more stories.

Also- keep an eye out for Jewel “Kaylee” Saite as a death groupie goth girl! 😀

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Burning Empires
Currently Playing: Exalted: Nexus of the Sun; Orpheus: Shades of Gray
Mood: See post below! 🙂

October 2018
M T W T F S S
« Nov    
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031  

Tweeting away

Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.

Top Posts

Blog Stats

  • 13,410 hits

Pages

Advertisements